[Santa]

My daughter was doing her homework and asked me what I knew about Galileo.

I, proudly and confidently, told her that he was just a poor boy from a poor family.

[Rolebama]

So the last vampire bat arrives at the roost. He has fresh blood all across his face. The other vampire bats ask where did this happen? He agrees to take them to the site. They fly off together over the wood, the valley and the river finally arriving at the village. He gestures toward a nice big pine tree in a garden. "See that tree?" He asks. "I didn't".

[Mark07]

Why did the cookie go to the doctor?

Because he felt crumby.

[Santa]

Truck drivers usually have to complete a check sheet to report any faults they find so that they can be rectified. Mechanics have been known to make humorous replies.

DRIVER: Left inside rear tyre almost needs replacement.
MECHANIC: Almost replaced left inside rear tyre.

D: Test drive OK, except auto-box very rough.
M: Auto-box not installed on this truck.

D: Something loose in cab.
M: Something tightened in cab.

D: Dead bugs on windshield.
M: Live bugs on back-order.

D: Evidence of leak on right rear suspension.
M: Evidence removed.

D: Low air warning unbelievably loud.
M: Low air warning set to more believable level

D: Suspected crack in windshield.
M: Suspect you’re right.

D: Engine missing.
M: Engine found under cab after brief search.

D: Vehicle handles funny.
M: Vehicle warned to straighten up, drive right, and be serious.

D: Mouse in cab.
M: Cat installed.

D: Noise coming from under instrument panel, sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
M: Took hammer away from midget.

[Drivingforfun]

Ha ha....😃

[Grimm]

A man walks into a bar, with a piece of asphalt under his arm.
Barman asks what he can get him.
A whiskey for me and one for the road, says the man.

[Santa]

Charley, a new retiree at B & Q, just couldn’t seem to get to work on time.
Every day he was 5, 10, even 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, smart, a quick learner and a credit to the company, obviously demonstrating the success of their “Older Person Friendly” policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. “Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a great job when you finally get here, but your being late so often is a bit of a concern when the others see you getting away with it.”

“Yes, I know sir, and I am working on it.”

“Well good, you are a team player. That’s what I like to hear”.

“Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder”.

Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, “I know you’re retired from the Navy. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning late so often?”

The old man looked down at the floor and smiled. When he looked up he said with a grin, “They usually saluted and said, Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir”?