What do you call a person who can't be bothered to format a post?
Relax Santa, it was copied and pasted. "Winking Smiley"
A man received the following text from his neighbour:I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.I have been tapping your wife day and night when you're not around. In fact more than you.I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse.I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.The man, anguished and betrayed went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun and without a word shot his wife.A few moments later a second text came in:Whoops! Damn auto-correct. I meant "wifi" not "wife". Sorry Bob!
My First drink with my son. I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.Off we went to our local which is only two blocks from the house.I got him a Fosters, hedidn't like it – so I had it.Then I got him a Carling Black Label, he didn't like it, so I had it. It was the same with the 1664 Lager and Premium Dry Cider.By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the bloody pram back home.
Miss Smith was the teacher at a small country school. Young Johnny was usually on time, but this morning he was quite late.
"Why are you late Johnny," she asked him.
"I had to take the bull down to the cows," he replied.
"Couldn't your father do it?"
Johnny thought for a moment before he replied: "No Miss - It has to be a bull."
A pub landlord saw his old customer and friend Tom, an 80-year old widower, who ran a small remote farm singlehanded ,in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumour had it that he was marrying a mail order bride.
Being a good friend, the landlord asked Tom if the rumour was true.
Tom assured him that it was, and told him that she was only twenty-one years old.
Now the landlord, being a knowledgeable chap, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year old man, so, wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy he tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting someone to help him out on the farm, knowing nature would take its own course.
Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for someone that afternoon; about four months later, Tom was in town and called in for a drink.
"How's the new wife," asked the landlord.
Tom proudly said; "she's very good - and, would you believe it - she's pregnant."
The landlord, happy that his advice had worked out, continued, "and how's the new worker doing?"
Without hesitating, Tom said, "Oh! She's pregnant too."
MORAL OF THE STORY IS: NEVER UNDERESTIMATE US OLD GUYS
Which reminds me of another old nun joke:
Two nuns walking across the fields to visit another convent were caught and raped by a couple of farmhands. When they finally got to their destination they prayed for a long time. When they were getting ready to walk back, one said to the other; "How will we explain to Mother Superior about being raped twice?"
"Twice," the other replied. "It was only once."
"Well - we are going back the same way aren't we?"