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Thread: Jokes.

  1. #51
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    Psychology 101 - This Is Brilliant!! (Simple truth)


    If you start with a cage containing five monkeys and inside the
    cage, hang a banana on a string from the top and then you place
    a set of stairs under the banana, before long a monkey will go to the
    stairs and climb toward the banana.
    As soon as he touches the stairs, you spray all the monkeys
    With cold water.
    After a while another monkey makes an attempt with same result
    ... all the monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon
    when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys
    will try to prevent it.
    Now, put the cold water away.
    Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one.
    The new monkey sees the banana and attempts to climb the
    stairs. To his shock, all of the other monkeys beat the **** out
    of him.
    After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to
    climb the stairs he will be assaulted.
    Next, remove another of the original five monkeys, replacing it
    with a new one.
    The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous
    newcomer takes part in the punishment...... with enthusiasm,
    because he is now part of the "team".
    Then, replace a third original monkey with a new one, followed
    by the fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes
    to the stairs, he is attacked.
    Now, the monkeys that are beating him up have no idea why they
    were not permitted to climb the stairs. Neither do they know why
    they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.
    Finally, having replaced all of the original monkeys, none of
    the remaining monkeys will have ever been sprayed with cold water.
    Nevertheless, not one of the monkeys will try to climb the
    stairway for the banana.
    Why, you ask? Because in their minds...that is the way it has
    always been!
    This, my friends, is how the Legislature, Parliament & Europe Union operate...
    and this is why, from time to time:
    ALL of the monkeys need to be REPLACED AT THE SAME TIME.


    Makes sense to me!



  2. #52
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    It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Centre. After the singalong with Alice at the piano, the main event of Claude the Hypnotist commenced.
    "I am going to put everyone into a trance at the same time - everyone".
    He drew a gold pocket watch and chain from his waistcoat and started to let it swing slowly like a pendulum.
    "This is a very valuable watch and has been in my family for decades. Now, keep watching the watch - keep watching the watch.........."
    One hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the watch as the room fell into complete silence.
    Suddenly, the watch-chain broke, and the watch dropped to the floor and smashed.
    "S**t", cried Claude.
    It took three weeks to clean the room, and Claude was never invited to perform again.

  3. #53
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    Don't mess with old people
    George, an elderly man, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

    George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

    He phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?" and he said no.

    Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

    George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

    "Hello. I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot all the sons of bitches!" Then he hung up.

    Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the George's residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

    One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

    George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available.

  4. #54
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    A Solicitor parked his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.

    As he was getting out of the car, a truck came speeding along too close to the kerb and took off the door before zooming off.

    More than a little distraught, the Solicitor grabbed his mobile and called the police.

    Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman had a chance to ask any questions, the man started screaming hysterically: “My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters, it'll simply never be the same again!”

    After the man finally finished his rant, the policeman shook his head in disgust.

    “I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Solicitors are.” he said. ”You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.”

    “How can you say such a thing at a time like this?” sobbed the Porsche owner.

    The policeman replied: “Didn't you realise that your arm was torn off when the truck hit you?”

    The Solicitor looked down in horror.

    “****ing h**l!” he screamed. “Where's my Rolex?”

  5. #55
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    A blonde was speeding, and pulled over. The PC getting out of the Patrol Car was also a blonde. "I'm sorry, Officer, I know I was speeding, but I am late for my hair appointment." Stated the blonde. "Well I am happy to see you appreciate the offence, now if I can just have a look at your Licence?". The blonde gave the PC a blank look. "It is about so big, and has your photo on it." Added the PC being helpful. After a little rummaging in her handbag, the blonde produced a compact mirror, and handed it to the PC, who looked at it and said "Oh, I didn't realize you were also on the job. Carry on!"

  6. #56
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    The Traffic Lights turned to red with a learner driver in a BSM car at the front.

    Lights changed to Green, There was a lot of noise coming from the BSM cars gears, but NO forward movement.

    Lights changed back to red before she could move.

    Traffic further back in the Queue started to hoot.

    As it happened the vehicle immediately behind the BSM car was a Police Traffic car equipped with Public Address loud speakers. So one of the police officers made an announcement asking drivers to be patient as there was a BSM L driver at the front of the Q.

    The Lights then changed to Green. The Police Officer still had the mike switched on, next thing to be heard was " Look what the silly b itch has done now, she has found Reverse gear and hit our car"

  7. #57
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    Eddie was driving down the road and a met a car coming the other way. Although there was room to pass easily, Eddie forced the oncoming car to slow down and wound down his window and shouted 'Pig'. The other driver looked in his rear view mirror and swore at Eddie. Then his car hit the pig.

    ------------------------------------------

    As Retired Highway Engineer Phillip Jones was driving his Jaguar down the motorway, his mobile phone rang. Answering, (hands free of course) he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Andrew, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the M275. Please be careful!'

    "Its not just one car," said Philip. "Its hundreds of them!'

    ---------------------------------------------

    A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
    'No chance' says the husband 'it's 3 o'clock in the morning.' and slams the door and returns to bed.
    'Who was that?' asks his wife.
    'Just some drunk asking for a push,' he answered.
    'Did you help him?' she asks.
    'No I didn't, its 3 in the morning and it pouring out.'
    'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember 3 months ago when we broke down and those guys helped us?'
    'I think you should help him and be ashamed of yourself.'
    The man does what he's told. Gets dressed, and goes out in the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark. 'Hello, are you still there?.
    'Yes? comes back the answer.
    'Do you still need a push?'
    'Yes, please.' comes the reply from the dark.
    'Where are you?' asks the husband.
    'Over here, on the swing,' replies the drunk.

  8. #58
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    Oct 2006
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    MAN rules

    1. Men are NOT mind readers.

    2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

    3. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

    4. Crying is blackmail.

    5. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
    Subtle hints do not work!
    Strong hints do not work!
    Obvious hints do not work!
    Just say it!

    6. 'Yes' and 'No' are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

    7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

    8. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

    9. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

    10. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

    11. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

    12. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

    13. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

    14. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit We have no idea what mauve is.

    15. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

    16. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

    17. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

    18. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

    19. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as rugby or football.

    20. You have enough clothes.

    21. You have too many shoes.

  9. #59
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    Aug 2011
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    A West Yorkshire County Council "sign shop" which manufactures Highway direction signs and highway signs of all types was broken into one night.

    A police spokesman said "We are looking for Leeds"

  10. #60
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    BRITISH HUMOR IS DIFFERENTThese are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.8 years old,Hateful little *******.Bites!FREE PUPPIES1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighborís dog.FREE PUPPIES.Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.Also 1 gay bull for sale.JOINING NUDIST COLONY!Must sell washer and dryer £100.WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .Worn once by mistake.Call Stephanie.**** And the WINNER is... ****FOR SALE BY OWNER.Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.Statement of the Century Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?">>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Children Are Quick ____________________________________ TEACHER: Why are you late?STUDENT: Class started before I got here.____________________________________ TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. __________________________________________ TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' TEACHER: No, that's wrong GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. (I Love this child) ____________________________________________ TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. __________________________________ TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WINNIE: Me! __________________________________________ TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. _______________________________________ TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. ' MILLIE: I is.. TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.' MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.' ________________________________ TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his fatherís cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand..... ______________________________________ TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook. ______________________________ TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his? CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog. (I want to adopt this kid!!!) ___________________________________ TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher __________________________________

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