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Thread: Jokes.

  1. #21
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    THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
    1. Innovative
    2. Preliminary
    3. Proliferation
    4. Cinnamon

    THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
    1. Specificly
    2. Anti-constitutionalistically
    3. Passive-aggressive disorder
    4. Transubstantiate

    THINGS THAT ARE DOWN RIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
    1. No thanks, I'm married.
    2. Nope, no more booze for me!
    3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
    4. Kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
    5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
    6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
    7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
    8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
    9. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

  2. #22
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    The Darwins are out !!!!

    Yes ... it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

    Here is the glorious winner:

    1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

    And now, the honorable mentions:

    2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.. The chef's claim was approved.

    3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

    4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

    5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

    6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

    7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape...

    8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

    9.. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

    10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for.. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

    In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

    *** Remember.... They walk among us, they can reproduce..


  3. #23
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    A man goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted.

    She pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.
    "No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said.

    The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man says:
    "I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates me!"

    The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objections to taking a pill.
    "No objection," he says. "I'm fine with pills."

    The dentist gives him a couple of pills.
    He swallows them. "What are they?" he says.

    "******," says the dentist.

    "Damn," the patient says, "I didn't know ****** worked as a pain killer."

    "It doesn't" said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."


  4. #24
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    (20 June 2007, South Carolina) A passing cabbie found a 21 year-old couple naked and injured in the road an hour before sunrise. The two people died at the nearest hospital without regaining consciousness. Authorities were at a loss to explain what had happened. There were no witnesses, no trace of clothing, and no wrecked cars or motorcycles.
    Investigators eventually found a clue high on the roof of a nearby building: two sets of neatly folded clothes. Safe sex takes on a whole new meaning when you are perched on the edge of a pyramid-shaped metal roof. "It appears as if [they] accidentally fell off the roof," Sgt. Florence McCants said.

    This is a true Darwin Award trifecta: TWO people die, WHILE in the act of procreation, due to an ASTONISHINGLY poor decision. Bottom line: If you put yourself in a precarious "position" at the edge of a pointy roof, you may well find yourself Falling in Love at the same time.

  5. #25
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    I discretely pointed out two drunks across the bar from us in a pub. "That'll be us is a few years!" i told my friend. "You fool", he responded, "that's a mirror!"

  6. #26
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    FOR SALE

    Full set of mechanics tools and overalls
    £500.

    Contact Sally Webster, 4 Coronation Street, Manchester tel 0161 775577

  7. #27
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    "Have you ever seen a twenty pound note all crumpled up?" asked the wife.


    "No," I said.

    She gave me a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note.


    "Have you ever seen a fifty pound note all crumpled up?" she asked.



    "No," I said.



    She gave me another sexy little smile,seductively reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty pound note.



    "Now," she said, "have you ever seen 30,000 pounds all crumpled up?"


    "No," I said, intrigued.


    "Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."

  8. #28
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  9. #29
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    Went shopping the other day with the wife. We decided to have lunch in their in-house Coffee Shop. I had a very nice filly con carne, and the wife had spaghetti bologneighse.

  10. #30
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    Doctor says I have to watch what I eat so I am off to the races ....

    A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from Tesco
    Her condition is said to be stable

    So they have found a Horse burger in Tesco.
    What's next, My Lidl pony?

    Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle.
    Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger.
    So I had a £5 each way !

    Tesco Quarter Pounders: The affordable way to buy your daughter the
    pony that she's always wanted!

    Had some burgers from tesco for my tea last night....
    I still have a bit between my teeth

    Unused HMV vouchers are now being accepted at Tesco.
    Just tell them HMV means 'Horse Meat Voucher'

    Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of uniquorn
    Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yay or neigh?

    "I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer...AND THEY'RE OFF"

    I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse....."

    I guess Tesco just listened.

    Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers
    confuse barcodes for serving suggestions.

    A cow walks into a bar. Barman says 'why the long face?'
    Cow says 'Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!'

    I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse d'oeuvres.

    These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit. Talk about flogging a
    dead.. NO! NO NO NO!

    Said to the Mrs these tesco burgers given me terrible trots

    To beef or not to beef.
    That is equestrian

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