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Thread: Jokes.

  1. #11
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    An American tourist asks an Irishman:

    "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
    To which the Irishman replies: "They have to go backwards. If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat."

  2. #12
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    Default This Green and Pleasant Land

    You're a sick senior citizen and the government says they are going to sell your house to pay for your nursing care. So what do you do?

    Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot four Politicians.

    Of course, this means you will be sent to prison..... Where you will get three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care you need!
    Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? Thatís great. Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart? Theyíre all covered.
    As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now.

    And who will be paying for all of this? Itís the same government that just told you that they cannot afford to pay for your nursing care.
    And you can get rid of 4 useless politicians while you are at it.
    Plus, because you are a prisoner you don't have to pay income tax.
    Is this a great country or what?
    Sounds like the way forward to me, anyone got a better idea .... Apart from 6 bullets !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  3. #13
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    Some Senior Thoughts


    God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.


    Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:


    1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

    2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.

    3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

    4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

    5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

    6. If all is not lost, where is it?

    7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

    8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

    9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.

    10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

    11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

    12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

    13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

    14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

    15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?

    16. Its not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

    17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

    18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm hereafter





    19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

    20. I'M UNABLE TO REMEMBER WHETHER I'VE SENT YOU THIS BEFORE..........





  4. #14
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    Ruger have just introduced a new handgun. It is called the 'Policitian'. It doesn't work, and you can't fire it.

  5. #15
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    You're a sick senior citizen and the government says they are going to sell your house to pay for your nursing care. So what do you do? Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot four Politicians.Of course, this means you will be sent to prison..... Where you will get three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care you need! Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That’s great. Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart? They’re all covered. As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now. And who will be paying for all of this? It’s the same government that just told you that they cannot afford to pay for your nursing care.
    And you can get rid of 4 useless politicians while you are at it.
    Plus, because you are a prisoner you don't have to pay income tax.
    Is this a great country or what?

  6. #16
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    A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt..............Archeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche.

  7. #17
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    DON'T HAVE TO BE A "DOG PERSON" TO TRULY APPRECIATE THIS STORY
    Stay
    I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping centre and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.

    She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the kerb backwards, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,
    "Now you stay. Do you hear me?"

    "Stay! Stay!"


    The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde,gave me a strange look and said,


    Why don't you just put it in 'Park'?"






    Last edited by smudger; 28-01-13 at 19:45.

  8. #18
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    THE RAISE
    Employee:
    Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

    Boss:
    Sure, come on in… What can I do for you?

    Employee:
    Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

    Boss:
    Yes.

    Employee:
    I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise.

    I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
    Boss:
    A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.

    Employee:
    I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales,

    But you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness
    And loyalty to this company for over a decade..
    Boss:
    Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain,

    I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time.
    How does that sound?
    Employee:
    Great! It's a deal Thank you, sir!

    Boss:
    Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies are after you?

    Employee:
    Oh,
    the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!

  9. #19
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    A blonde bimbo of questionable reputation died and was met at the Pearly Gates by St Peter. He explained to her that she could only enter Heaven if she answers three questions correctly. "First, I would like you to name two days of the week beginning with T." He asks. "Oh, that's easy, Today and Tomorrow." She replies. "OK" says Peter, "Now tell me how many seconds there are in a year." "Twelve", she promptly replies. "How did you work that out?" Queries Peter. "Second of January, Second of February..." "Alright" Peter interrupts. "Now can you tell me the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?" "That's hard" says the blonde, "Can you give me a minute?" "Yes, certainly" says Peter. Two minutes pass and the blonde says Got it - it's Andy!" "What makes you say that?" Asks Peter" "The first verse." replies the blonde. "Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled...."
    "Welcome to Heaven" says Peter.

  10. #20
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    Apr 2007
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    A sales rep pulls up outside a pub. On his way to the bar he spots a nun, looking rather pale, sitting on a garden bench.
    "Are you alright, sister?", he asks.
    "Oh, I think I'll alright in a minute. I just felt dizzy."
    "Let me get you a brandy", he suggested.
    "Oh no, I couldn't take alcohol".
    "Well, it would only be for medicinal purposes Sister, so it should be acceptable".
    "If you think so", she replied, "but I'd better have it in a cup".
    The rep went into the bar, ordered a pint of bitter, and a double brandy. "Barman, could you please put the brandy in a cup?"
    The barman stopped pulling the pint, looked up and asked, "Is that bloody nun out there again?"

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