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Thread: Jokes.

  1. #1
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    Sep 2007
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    Default Jokes.

    Just thought I would share this one with you all,....I like it.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    This may be the best one yet, for "not messing with old people".


    A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

    The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.

    So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

    The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

    The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...

    "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00.

    Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

    This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

    The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

    The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.


    Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
    The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.








    He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

    He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

    The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks,

    "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"


    The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.









    The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.

  2. #2
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    Apr 2012
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    2,435

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    The Devil walks into a crowded bar. When the people see who it is, they all run out except for one old man. So the Devil walks up to him and says " Do you know who I am?"

    The old man slowly sips his beer and answers, "Yes I do."

    The Devil says, "Well then, why aren't you afraid of me?"

    The old man looks the Devil over and says, "Why the hell should I be scared? I've been married to your sister for 40 years !!"

  3. #3
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    Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm.

    It was a disaster!

    Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
    Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off,
    I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
    He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts

    "I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!"

    Murphy watches in amazement!

    The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"

    So he leaves the site.

    Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

    "Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

    "I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.

  4. #4
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    Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her
    contractions are only two minutes apart!"

    "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

    "No YOU IDIOT!" shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

  5. #5
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    Sep 2007
    Location
    Scotland
    Posts
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    An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.

    His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"

    He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

    "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

    "Here boy" he replies.

  6. #6
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    Sep 2007
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    Scotland
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    Two friends are fishing near a bridge. Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing. His mate turns to him and says, " Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen " Dave replies, " Well we were married for nearly 20 years "

  7. #7
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    May 2008
    Posts
    7,944

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    Got my first Xmas card yesterday. When I opened it up, grains of rice fell out. It was at that moment i knew it was from uncle Ben....

  8. #8
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    May 2008
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    Ever since I was a youngster I thought the mark on my bum was a birthmark. Turns out it was made by a cigar.

    Hows about that then......

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
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    2

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by smudger View Post
    Just thought I would share this one with you all,....I like it.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    This may be the best one yet, for "not messing with old people".


    A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

    The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.

    So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

    The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

    The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...

    "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00.

    Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

    This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

    The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

    The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.


    Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

    The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

    He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

    He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

    The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks,

    "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"


    The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

    haha that's a good one, I like that.

  10. #10
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    Apr 2012
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    2,435

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    He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
    She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

    He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
    She said...Well, you succeeded.

    He said... If you only could learn to make me a proper meal, then we could manage without the cook. And if you cleaned the house, we could fire the maid as well.
    She said...Darling, if you only could learn to satisfy me properly we could do without the gardener too.

    He said... Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?
    She said...Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.

    He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
    She said...I would, but you're never there.

    He said... Shall we try a different position tonight?
    She said...That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

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